If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
