Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Come see our sink grown plant.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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