weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
