made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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