Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
