Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
