Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
