the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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