Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
