I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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