Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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long story
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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