Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
