When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
