i just sent this text using only my big toe
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
