Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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