i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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