he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
