I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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