I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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