Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
