Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
