here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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