last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
