You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He has the fingertips of a God
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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