We're like a lot better than the average bears
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
