like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
