just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Did you just see the Batmobile???
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
