I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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