I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
