i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
