I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
