i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
