Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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