i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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