He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
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girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
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I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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