I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
