Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
