Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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