I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
