i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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