just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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