If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
