Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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