Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.