i just had sex bonerless
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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