why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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