sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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