your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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