Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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