I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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