that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
