My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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