It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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