I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
