it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
